Gumby here. If you want to see for yourself which of us is really the “professor,” just tiptoe up to my editor and whisper into his ear: “George Eliot in a briefcase.” [Ed: Yaaaahhhhhhhhhh!…]

I’m just Gumby. I’m an inanimate Jello-horse. Which is why I’m not even sure if you put the period inside the quotation marks. [Ed: you do, so I moved it.]

Many, many years ago, back in the early 70’s in Las Vegas, I met this very old black man who said to me two things which if they haven’t made me a millionaire, have certainly enriched my life. Here is what the old fellow said:

“First, college boy, I’m gonna show you the right way to use a mop, and second, I’m gonna prove to you that the moon-landings were faked.”

The old guy was right about the moon landings. If you look through your telescope you can see that the moon has a lot of holes it in. Those are called craters.

The picture here is from the Nevada Test Site, a kind of nuclear-bomb-preservation ranch run by the Government. See the holes? Now look at the moon again. More holes? See any similarity? YES! The government created those holes on the moon by testing A-bombs. It’s head-slappingly obvious. Any government that can make holes like this in the Nevada desert, can make holes in the moon, which is only a five-iron away. And any government which can make holes in the moon can obviously fake a crummy moon-landing. For further evidence see Transformers III.

My Mom once described a date she had when she was a kid. “He was a romantic sort of young man. Like a lot of romantic young men in those days, he thought that if you took a girl some place picturesque and dreamy, he’d get a kiss. Once he took me to the rim of one of the craters at the test site. We sat on the front of his car and looked at the stars, with this big hole in front of us.”

Did the romantic young man get his kiss?