News

Are you confused? Do you wish for simpler times? Me too! Or I did until I rediscovered this state-of-our-planet description on the back of a folk music album from 1968: We live in “a world so wrought and chained with meaningless ideas that its dreams are merely pastel colored nightmares.” Can I get that in…

About Professor Gumby

Fame is a strange thing. We worship our celebrities and live our own lives vicariously through them. But sooner or later someone will always ask, “Who is that guy anyway?” Like it matters. Professor Gumby’s origins are too shocking to reveal suddenly and without warning to an unsuspecting public, but suffice it to say he began…

Moon Landings

Gumby here. If you want to see for yourself which of us is really the “professor,” just tiptoe up to my editor and whisper into his ear: “George Eliot in a briefcase.” [Ed: Yaaaahhhhhhhhhh!…] I’m just Gumby. I’m an inanimate Jello-horse. Which is why I’m not even sure if you put the period inside the quotation marks. [Ed:…

Scooters

Like everything else on this Blog the purpose is to help readers make a profit. This is being said quite seriously. Really. There is no collegiate, smart-ass irony at work here. Our task is to help you become a millionaire!

Smart Cars And Remembering Your Pet

[Editor’s note: This is Professor Gumby’s first blog post, ever. It’s somewhat thoughtful and well-organized, as if he’s been taking too many of his own creative writing courses. For a glimpse of the real Gumby, consider what he wrote to me behind the scenes: “Now I just have to get a pet and check out this whole…

Gumby Sighting

We have finally made contact with Professor Gumby. We had thought that he was being silent for the usual reasons, namely shyness, humility, and anonymous threats. Now we know the real cause: he’s been typing his username into the password box and vice versa. Furthermore, we’ve been asked to edit Gumby’s prose for grammar and general decency,…

Four Hours Later

It’s now four hours since we began these appeals, and still no blog post from Professor Gumby. Gumby, if you’re listening, just let us know your demands. We’ll wash your car. We’ll make your favorite French toast with marshmallows and bourbon. We’ll change your pseudonym to anything you want. Almost anything.